When I was a teenager I was molested by a Catholic priest who worked at my high school. For more than 30 years I hid it from everyone. In many respects I also hid it from myself. Though I never spoke about it, the impact on my life was profound. Two failed marriages were just the most obvious signs of the secret I kept. When the Catholic Church clergy sex abuse scandal erupted in 2002, media coverage was intense and brought long-buried memories of the abuse to the surface. I could no longer ignore what had happened to me so long ago, or how much damage had been done. I had to do something. My healing journey finally began…
Writing the book Becoming a Life Change Artist with Fred Mandell was a key part of my recovery process. Recently I had an opportunity to be interviewed by Dr. Jamie Romo about the connections between the creative life change process Fred and I discuss in our book and the recovery process I went through as a clergy sex abuse survivor. Dr. Jaime Romo is a gifted educator, consultant, and fellow abuse survivor. He is also author of an innovative new book/workbook Healing the Sexually Abused Heart: A Workbook for Survivors, Thrivers and Supporters. Jaime surprised me with challenging questions that helped me reflect on my recovery experiences in fresh ways. You can find our interview here.
What areas of your life are in need of healing? What has helped you heal from abuse, trauma, serious illness, or any major life challenge?
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The scandal of 2002 has enabled so many people to finally start to get angry and to start to heal from sexual abuse in their lives. Thank you for helping to “break the silence” of abuse for yourself and for others. Congratulations on your book. I look forward to reading it sometime soon.
Dear Kathy,
On behalf of the volume of people who have read this blog and the interview including myself, I must let you know that we all want to say something to acknowledge your story and thank you for communicating …. but are having difficulty finding the words.
The “silence” in this case is not a sign of not being heard or read. My chatty self is on her third trip back here to attempt a reply so that you would be acknowledged as you so abundantly deserve as a human being and as one who puts herself out there for others continuously.
For someone who is very rarely without an effortless reply (ME), I have settled on simply expressing my truth… unedited and still grasping for words.
We are having difficulty with this in proportion to the level of evil that was demonstrated by that priest. Our difficulty extends to finding the balance between saying something to you that clearly expresses our admiration for your determination to exorcise that evil and saying something that pushes your face back into it. ( like anger towards the act when you are past that or hopelessness, because you are past that or any of the many emotions that one feels).
If all of the various emotional reactions we are all having were to be communicated back to you – we know instinctively that you don’t deserve that again. If we don’t communicate our actual emotion about all this, then does that make you think we are out of touch or simply don’t care enough to attempt an understanding.
This much evil has only one positive face – that of disclosure status. The warning labels are on and the communication is becoming more abundant so that the shedding of light on this darkness can be accomplished. The darkness includes the the aftermath for the victims, and that’s the final phase in stopping the continuation of the evil in the futures of those effected.
You are participating in the solutions for yourself and others by communicating – Damn girl – that is so valuable and brave and healing!!
It even helps those of us who did not experience anything of this magnitude to remember to not run away, but to look it straight on for what it is for ourselves and then to communicate despite it all. That’s the only true path to freedom.
So as the “self-appointed” spokesperson for the many unnamed readers, I know this is just a very short response to a very important issue but nonetheless is my way of saying:
We hear, we care and we send you encouragement to continue communicating!!!
That priests legacy of destruction gets blown up and stopped by you through these actions and that is cause for admiration and applause!!!
Much love,
Dottie
Dear Kathy — Dottie’s message is right on. I want to share her voice so you’ll know she’s speaking for at least one other person out here — hopefully you’re receiving a ton of these “Well said!” messages.
Everytime I hear of another brave person coming forward with the sickening, heart-wrenching truth — I am so thankful to that person for helping to save me, my children and my extended family and friends from abuse by a trusted individual — clergyman, parent, teacher, friend.
Thank you Kathy — thank you so very, very much.
Sincerely,
Mary
Hi Mary, you (and Dottie) have made my week! I have spent so many years hiding my clergy sexual abuse history from myself and others, for fear that my professional persona (and work opportunities) might be negatively affected. I “came out” four years ago at a conference specifically for clergy abuse survivors, but never in professional circles. Even when I started telling family and close friends about my abuse 8 years ago, people were appropriately dismayed and supportive. But then no one ever asked me about it again. Honestly, that bothered me. I would have appreciated someone saying to me once in awhile “How are you doing dealing with that priest abuse thing?”
Writing my book with Fred Mandell “Becoming a Life Change Artist” was very healing for me. As Fred once said “We could have each written a book. But without your healing journey from sexual abuse, we could not have written THIS BOOK.
But the most important takeaway I’d like for readers is “No matter where you are in your life’s journey, you can live a rich and meaningful life, if you cultivate certain creative skills that are your birthright!
Mary, I know you a bit and know that your are in a significant life transition. I’m sending you all the positive energy I can muster to support you in your transition. Please let me know if there is anything else you can think of that might be helpful!
Warmly, k
Hi Kathy: did I send a response to your coming out letter? I have it here but I can’t tell if I sent it. Karen